Why do I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by a festive crowd?

As we enter the holiday season, one Dear David reader is dreading loneliness this Christmas. It isn’t that she lacks friends or family, she says, but that she sometimes finds the enforced jollity of work parties and family gatherings to be alienating. “I feel like I’m the only person not having fun,” she says. “I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but I find it hard to get into the festive spirit when I’m already struggling with my mental health. I end up feeling lonelier than if I’d stayed at home.”

Feeling alienated in others’ company – named “existential isolation” in the psychological literature – can happen to anyone at any time in life. Psychologists define it as the sense that no one sees the world through our perspective or understands how we are feeling, even when we are surrounded by other people. Those who score highly on measures of existential isolation are at a greater risk of conditions like depression and tend to be less responsive to treatments.

The irony is many people are probably feeling the same way, yet we assume that our pain makes us different so we don’t share how we feel, contributing to our sense of isolation. That’s why psychologists now encourage people to cultivate a sense of “common humanity” when they are feeling down. Put simply, this is the recognition that others may be in our position, so we don’t need to feel a sense of failure for simply being unhappy.

Building a sense of common humanity can explain why “peer support” groups, which link up people facing similar problems, tend to be so effective in improving people’s well-being. They release you from that sense of existential isolation, which provides its own kind of solace independent of the practical help that they may also offer.

If you are feeling existentially isolated this holiday season, simply reminding yourself that you aren’t alone in this experience may help. That’s a core part of “self-compassion” training, and there are many online resources to help you to do this via writing exercises or guided meditation.

Even better, you might consider breaking the taboo by sharing how you feel, even if it doesn’t feel very festive. Research suggests you may be surprised by people’s reactions. Studies examining the “beautiful mess effect” show we are often needlessly pessimistic about others’ responses to our problems. We assume we will be seen as weak, whereas people are more likely to see courage – and they may even share very similar feelings themselves.

As for those parties? Don’t be obliged to accept every invite, and focus your energies on those that are most likely to create a sense of connection. A coffee with a trusted friend may do far more for your well-being than a festive disco. Christmas is a time of goodwill – and you can begin by directing that kindness at yourself.

These articles are posted each week at
newscientist.com/maker

David Robson is an award-winning science writer and author of The Laws of Connection: 13 social strategies that will transform your life