How to deal with disliking a friend’s partner

It’s supposed to be a TV series about Los Angeles’ biggest and most beautiful homes – but the people selling them often steal the show. And the latest episodes of Netflix reality series Selling Sunset, now in its ninth season, have started a debate about how to deal with a friend’s “toxic” partner.

Two stars of the programme – real estate agents Chrishell Stause and Emma Hernan – have been feuding on and off-camera over Emma’s boyfriend Blake Davis, who Chrishell dislikes.

It boiled over during an end-of-season reunion and led to online debates about how, or even whether, you can stay friends with someone whose partner you dislike.

We’ve spoken to a woman with first-hand experience of that dilemma and two relationship experts about what to do in this tricky situation.

In the show, Stause, 44, says she’s never approved of Hernan’s relationship with property developer Davis. She claims he “love-bombed” Hernan early in the relationship and that there were “huge red flags”. Love bombing often involves someone showering a partner with gifts, attention and various promises.

Hernan has told Netflix’s online publication she “doesn’t fault” Stause for trying to protect her but that she would like Stause to “step back and realise” her level of love and support. She has also said: “I have enjoyed my time with him… Everyone can say what they want – or they can either love him or hate him. But ultimately, it’s my choice who I end up with.”

Some of us will have experienced similar situations first-hand.

Hannah, who didn’t want to give her last name, told BBC News she fell out with her long-time friend, Georgia – not her real name – over a partner.

Hannah says Georgia “had a history of dating not very nice people” and moved away from London with a new partner who “proposed to her fairly quickly, I think within about a year”.

It felt like Georgia was “under his spell” – and then on a night out before the wedding, Hannah says, Georgia’s fiancé made sexual comments about Hannah. “He came over to me and started to tell me all the things he wanted to do to me in a very graphic, explicit way.”

She says the experience was “very uncomfortable” and “came out of nowhere”.

When Hannah told Georgia about it a few days later, Georgia “tried to minimise it and was saying things like ‘he does that with all his female friends’ and I was trying to explain to her that he was saying really inappropriate things”, Hannah says.

Relationship expert and counsellor Anna Williamson, who works as a dating expert on Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating, says trying to support a friend if you’re concerned about their partner can be difficult.

It’s important not to judge or tell them what to do, she says. Judging your friend can lead to them behaving defensively, but finding the line between supporting and judging is a “real challenge”.

“We need to be really careful to compartmentalise our own emotions and not project onto a friend, as they might not recognise they’re in a toxic relationship,” she tells the BBC. “They might be carrying feelings of shame and masking it.”

She advises starting a conversation with a friend by telling them something like: “I care about you so much but I want to check in because I’ve noticed that you seem really stressed lately.”

Williamson adds it is important to “stick to facts” and only discuss things with them that you have observed. She recommends avoiding phrases such as “I really don’t like them”, “I think they’re toxic” or “I think they’re abusive”.

If you still want to see your friend but don’t want to be around their partner, Williamson says it can be handled delicately. “I’d say something like, ‘I really care about you, but I need to take some space from your partner because I’m not comfortable with their behaviour, but I really want to spend time with you.'”

It’s also important to make sure you have support around you, as looking out for someone else all the time can be draining, she says.

Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar, a relationship and trauma counsellor, says that from watching Selling Sunset, some of the tension comes from cast members talking behind each other’s backs and then being confronted about it later on.

“Avoid gossiping and talking about your friend or about their partner to others who could whip up hysteria,” Shaheen-Zaffar tells the BBC. She says it’s important to “keep yourself safe” because anything you say “could be taken out of context or used against you”.

What if you disagree with the views or values of a friend’s partner?

On Selling Sunset, Stause and Hernan argue over Davis’s views on politics.

Davis was set to appear on the ninth season of Selling Sunset, but had his scenes cut after another storyline involving Hernan was deemed more relevant. It’s not known whether any of the scenes featured disagreements between Davis and Stause, but Hernan has denied that Davis expressed “political views” in front of Stause.

Shaheen-Zaffar says that ultimately you “have to respect individual people’s decisions” and “try to remain civil” if you still want that friend to be part of your life. “I think we have developed a culture where if someone doesn’t agree with what we think we don’t like them,” she says.

This is not the advice she says she would give if someone is being openly “bigoted”, but more if they just have views you don’t agree with. “It takes a lot of self-development and digging deep to understand and accept other people’s views,” she adds.

Whether you can cope with a friend’s partner’s conflicting views depends on what “aligns with your values”, she says.

Sometimes, a partner’s actions may be too much for you – and it can break friendships entirely.

After what happened with Georgia’s partner, Hannah came to the conclusion that she could not see her friend again if she chose to stay with him.

“I told her ‘I love you, the door is always open but I can’t have him in my life’ – he wasn’t a good, healthy presence and I was very uncomfortable and frightened,” Hannah adds.

She says Georgia and her haven’t spoken since and the friendship ending “really hurt”. She and Georgia had “been friends for a long time and had a lot of fun together” – although she ultimately wouldn’t have done anything differently in hindsight, she says.